BUY STUFF TO FILL YOUR MEANINGLESS EXISTENCE...;)

SKATES

Want to go fast, but don't like trying? Get all the vroom vroom you need with the Bauer HyperLites.

The HyperLite skate is lighter while maintaining forward flex and increased agility through turns. Be the Connor McDavid of yelling, "COME ON REF!" at your rec league with Bauer.

STICK

Nothing says manliness like hacking another dude in the balls with a 36" phallic object! In fact, I think your penis and/or breasts have grown in size since the purchase of this great item. 

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Made with the incredibly durable HyperCore blade and optimized carbon fiber layup, it is simply the quickest Vapor ever.

HELMET

Are you ugly as fuck? Or are you simply a severely balding, heavyset, middle-aged man? Sort yourself out with a hockey helmet. If it'll work for Getzlaf, it'll work for you. 

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Can't afford it? Sell your kidneys and/or testicles! You've got 2 for a reason!

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Okay, I did the corporate shilling stuff. Can you pay me now Bauer?

FLOWERS

Seriously. Pick up some flowers for your significant other. It doesn't matter if they're a man, anyone can enjoy a nice bouquet and what really matters is that you are making the effort to show your love and appreciation for them. We could all use a little more of that after the last year and a half we've had.

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Though if you don't have an SO....

DILDO

Treat yo self.