LEAGUE INTRODUCTION
sit down, shut up and would ya give that a rest, you're going to give yourself a rug burn
Ok boys, huddle up with me real quick. You know why you're here, I know why you're here, so let's do away with the niceties. You can recite hockey stats off the top of your head like Shakespeare. Not to get poetic up in here, but hockey is more than just a game, it’s a way of life. And that way of life entails beating the crap out of anyone that threatens your status as a fantasy hockey genius.
Hey, if you wanted to back out now, everyone would understand. I mean, sure, we’d make fun of you behind your back, but it would save you the humiliation of getting that big ego bruised. If you can’t take that, well I suppose can you vent to your millions of TikTok followers.
Beyond the fancy number crunching that entails a fantasy hockey life though, we are all here, united with the singular love of the sport that is hockey. I believe that what makes this sport so great: its ability to bring all people from different walks of life together.
I remember my first Face/Off like it was yesterday. It was a dangerous operation; I had to undergo a facial transplant, swapping faces with a renowned terrorist to foil a bomb threat. Of course it all went wrong when he woke up from his coma, face-less of course. He was pisssssed, not that I blame him...could you imagine waking up one day and being like, ‘Damn, my face feels kinda..missing?’ He then took my face, because how could you exact your revenge without a face, am I right? #barefacedbeauty
"Wait a minute," you say idiotically, as if I can hear you through your screen. "Isn't that the plot to the 1997 action-thriller Face/Off, starring Nicolas Cage?" Fuck yeah it is. And it's getting a sequel.
Okay, so where was I? Being united? Well, with the world as divisive and engaged in political tribalism, not everyone is going to agree or get along with one another. And that's okay. But that is not an excuse for bad behavior, or conduct that can be racist, exclusionary or discriminatory. Any misconduct will be dealt with swiftly. Please feel free to bring any concerns you may have with the commissioner.
Have fun and good luck this year!